Thursday, December 08, 2011

Deconstructed Tossed Salad

I should have taken a picture.

One day I came across this blog.

That night I made a salad for dinner, (Chicken ala taco seasoning, peppers, corn, lettuce, tomatoes, olives, carrots, kidney beans, crushed corn chips...), all tossed together. My daughter usually will pick the olives out and one or two other things that suit her fancy, and simply just won't eat much, and then sneak in and make herself a peanut butter & big mess sandwich later on. Well instead of just putting a pile of salad on her plate that night, I organized it, neatly. She ate it all. Now the other kids want theirs the same way.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Because I can't handle the poop post being at the top of my neglected blog...

My daughters like to pretend to be animals. In particular, little yippy puppies. They crawl around on all fours and come up to me begging for attention and asking me to scratch them behind the ears. One day the yipping was too much for me and I declared it to be Platypus Day! That put a stop to the obnoxious noises because no-one could make the platypus noise. Since then, when they get a notion to pretend to be animals, they come to me and ask me what day it is. A few days ago it was Beaver Day. We watched beaver movies on youtube and learned all about beavers, then we built lodges out of pillows and blankets, also we had recently gone on a little hike where we discovered signs of beavers building a dam. My husband and I also made numerous jokes using the word dam, we are quite clever...

And to get to the point... Today we were at the grocery store and all of a sudden my son said "Look! Beaver eggs!" I looked and beheld...chicken eggs... I was busy trying to keep all 4 kids in sight and figure out which yoghurt really cost less... 10 for $4, or 10 for $6 (math is really hard when the kids are running wild in grocery store) My son exclaimed again "Beaver eggs!" This time I looked where he was pointing, up above the eggs high on the wall in huge letters it read "Beverages." The end.

Monday, August 22, 2011

The following is an entry from my husbands journal written to my daughter:

It's your Birthday

Here at last
You're three years old
Boy that went fast

Off to the market
in the warm summer air
in hopes we can find
a gift for you there

So many things
From squashes to cherries
I buy you a bracelet
and a box of blueberries

We head on back home
to continue your day...
we plan on some fishing
and then we will play

It’s time for lunch
but you don’t want nothin’
cept for your box of blueberries
for crunchin and munchin

You’re there smiling
as you sit in your chair
eating the berries
you’re unwilling to share
with your parents both busy
only vaguely aware
little do we know
that we should beware
If only some ominous music
would have played in the air!

I am taken aback
and slightly appalled
to walk in and discover
you have eaten them all!

We’re skunked at the river
but we got a few bites
And a green spiky burr
in your hair stuck in tight

we head home again
where I get in a fight
seems mom’s freaking out
bout plans for tonight

“What’s going on??”
“Who’s going to come”
“I need communication”
“You’ve given me none”
By this time I’m about
ready to run

I have to come up
with something fast
I’ve been a bad husband
Must cover my … uh butt

Mom and I yell
at each other a while
Eliza tries mediation
with her 5 year old smile

Pretty soon we’re headed
with our little red boat
back to the lake
I sure hope it floats

I don’t know why
I thought this would be fun
within 5 minutes of launching
I have a wet bum

You demand your own paddle
with your signature sound
you sit there laughing
as we go round and round

Soon we’re back on the road
for two large pizza pies
While Mom’s at home working
on your birthday surprise

We go to Wal-Mart
You grab a big yellow ball
You kick it, grab it,
jump on it and fall
But when it comes time to buy it
you don’t want it at all.

I take you back home
with anticipation
of a glorious and happy
surprise celebration

I open the door
I let you walk in
They all yell “SURPRISE”
on your face there’s a grin

The kitchen is decked out
in bloons, many colors
your cousins are there
with your sisters and brother

Everyone eats
and then eat some more
when I go for some ice cream
I spill all the corn
some rolls down past the meat
and right out the door
Where the baby gobbles
it up off the floor

You open some presents
You get a nice dress
The guests head on home
The house is a mess

One final present
Your mom fills with fear
and within minutes your covered
in Henry’s root beer

It’s time for a bath
Can things get any worse?
Your mother’s holding back tears
and she’s ready to curse

But the badness continues
and you feel mom’s wrath
as you climb off of the toilet
and poop in the bath

After a long painful cleanup
you’re ready for bed
It’s been a bittersweet day
I’m feeling dead

I go to bed eager
for a night filled with rest
not expecting the next day
would be such a test

I dream about fighting
Gerard Depardieu
I awake to discover
that none of it’s true
I’m feeling relieved,
…..until I find you

From my bed I hear
you in the front of the house
your quiet but out there
just like a mouse

You’re there with wipes
scrubbing the floor
I see wipes to your left
to your right a few more

Confused I bend down
I unknowingly stoop
and to my unbridled horror
I discover it’s poop!

Its in puddles and piles
all over the ground
I stand up in shock
at the scene I have found

And what is that color
that unmistakable hue?
It dawns on me what happened
this poop is all BLUE!

I noticed you’re covered
from your head to your toes
your diaper is filled
though it’s already blown

You tried to clean it
you gave it your best
as you’ve battled alone
this unbelievable mess

It’s caked onto your legs
some of it’s dried
Instead of getting out of bed
I wish I had died

I know for a fact
this fecal miscarriage
will surely mean doom
for my eleven year marriage

To the bath with you child!
my poor little daughter
I can’t clean with wipes
I need some hot water!
I notice Mom’s woken up
I’m sure I’ll be slaughtered

I don’t think anyone
would think me a liar
to say this was worse
than an ox in the mire
If I don’t clean this up
I’m gunna be fired

So It’s off to Smith’s
to get me a steamer
so our contaminated floor
can be a bit cleaner

Mom gets you dressed
to head off to church
while I remain home to try
to get out of this lurch

In the end it seems
everything ended okay
We had the stains almost out
by the end of the day
And if someone asked what they are
We don’t have to say

To top it all off
While I watered our tree
I got to close to the beehive
And got stung, by a bee.

So happy birthday my daughter
This one sure wasn’t a bore,
Please forgive me for not
looking forward to four.

Friday, July 29, 2011

A funny story.

You know in that movie Signs, how the kid leaves glasses of water all over the place? Well our kids do the same thing. They fill a cup of water up, drink a little and save the rest for later. Later, when they are thirsty they get another cup and do the same thing all over again. Thus our kitchen is booby trapped.

Well, today I was summoned to the kitchen by my crying baby, who I found crawling in a puddle of water. It was also all over her back and head and face. I figured she had pulled a cup of neglected water onto her head, as she has done this before. Laughingly and soothingly I picked her up, not worried about getting wet too, it's summer, it'll dry. She grabbed at my face with her wet hands and I wiped the drips out of her face with my shirt. As I did this I was looking around for the cup that had once contained the water, there was one on the table that was empty except for a drop or two proving that it had recently held water, but it was too high for the baby to reach... At the same time I observed my 2 (almost 3) year old walking down the hall trying to put on a new dress. "Mom, I peed." Ewwww. I proceeded directly to the bath.

Funny huh? Not the end of the story. There is a happy ending.

After the bath I tackled the cleaning of the floor. The 2 year old wanted to mop too so I gave her a turn and told her to clean up her pee. She happily took the mop and headed to another section of the kitchen. Much to my delight there was a puddle of pee over there! I was very happy to know that my baby had not been peed on and had not wiped it on my face! It had really been water all along.

And to settle the mystery as to where the water came from... I questioned my daughter a little more and found out that she had dumped a cup of water on her baby sister. Yup because that is just the kind of kid she is, the kind that will randomly dump water on someone to see what happens. I'm sure she was less than happy to see that it didn't cause the baby to melt into a sizzling pile of goo.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My baby crawls funny.

And she stalks chickens.

Maybe I should ask her where the missing hen is.


Friday, July 08, 2011

Wherein the usefulness of my education comes to a head...

Many of you have probably been wondering if my 2.5 years of higher education was beneficial to me in my chosen vocation as a stay at home mom. I can now definitively tell you that it was. Through the process of designing and developing this bunny's potty I called directly upon the skills learned in my Design Theory class, Art 101, and one of my interior design studio classes. Granted, in school I would have stayed up till 4 in the morning to finish such a project as this. Real life has certainly improved my time-efficiency. This beauty took all of about 10 minutes to make!

Unfortunately, it's much easier to convince a stuffed rabbit to use a toilet than my toddler. (Is she still a toddler, she's almost 3?)

And for my mother, here is a shot of the back of my girls heads. It's also proof that I brushed their hair once.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

I want to do things and create things, but that would complicate life and there is no way I could complete anything right now. So I content myself with moving the furniture around every couple of weeks. I was moving a bookcase the other day and the kids all piled in.

What I really want to do is get rid of most of the furniture and paint all the rest black or white. I can't decide. What do you think? Black or white book shelves? And while I'm at it I think I'll cut my hair really short.